*****Warning: The following post is satire and may gloss over the intricacies of the policy issue it discusses*******
BREAKING NEWS: The Delta Gamma sorority sister who sent an incendiary email picked up by Gawker late last week has taken a newfound interest in Syria. The following is a message she composed on the subject of Syria's apparent use of chemical weapons. Strong language follows.
"To: Washington, D.C.
Re: U.S. Syria Policy
If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever spinning chair you're sitting in, because this is going to be a rough f**king ride.
For those of you that have been up at the tiki bar at The Big Hunt, which apparently is the majority of this city, we have been F**KING UP in terms of preventing mass killing and general interactions with Syria. I've been seeing State Department cables on cables about people LITERALLY being so f**king AWKWARD and saying analyzing the merits of intervention in Syria is so f**king BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee, I've been having so much fun at the Cherry Blossom Festival this week!" then delete your Twitter account right now so I don't have to come find you and do it for you.
I do not give a flying f**k, and Syrians do not give a flying f**k, about how much you f**king love to hang out in DC. You have 361 days out of the f**king year to hang out in DC, and this week is NOT, I f**king repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about recognizing that Syria has used chemical weapons and building a pragmatic response, and that's not f**king possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not about Syria. Newsflash: SYRIANS DONT CARE HOW SLOW THE METRO RUNS. Oh wait, DOUBLE F**KING NEWSFLASH: SYRIA IS NOT GOING TO SUPPORT THE US POST-TRANSITION IF WE F**KING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE F**KING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little s**ts that have talked openly about letting all the sects kill each other IN FRONT OF SYRIANS. If Assad openly said "Yeah we're gonna let Syrians attack each other", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE F**K WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be going to panels on other conflicts, I don't give a F**K if your boyfriend works on it, if your brother works on it, or if your entire family is on the CSIS Working Group for it. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do f**king NOT convince other Syria analysts to go with you. Even if they have the big chocolate chip cookies from Corner Bakery.
"But wait!" you say in a whiny little voice to your computer screen as you tab switch back from your Words With Friends game to read this email, "I've been supporting taking a tough line with Assad and drawing red lines, doesn't that count for something?" NO IT F**KING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW F**KING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN F**KING UP AT LETHAL AID TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being f**king WEIRD on Libya (for example, being stupid s**ts and saying stuff like "durr Susan Rice dropped the ball on Benghazi?" is not f**king funny), but I've seen op-eds about people actually saying we should support Islamist militias in Syria. Islamist. F**king. Militias. ARE YOU F**KING STUPID?!! I don't give a S**T about realpolitik, YOU SUPPORT WESTERN INTERVENTION AND NOT ANY OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER WORKED IN US FOREIGN POLICY? ARE YOU F**KING BLIND? Or are you just so f**king dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of UN Security Council resolutions is going to make Syrians happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE F**KING CARES ABOUT SECURITY COUNCIL RESOLUTIONS, ESPECIALLY F**KING SYRIANS.
"Ohhh, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little !@#$ that trolls Jenan Moussa's articles at night or if you're a weird s**t that blogs about weird s**t during the day, this following message is for you:
DO NOT COMMENT ON TODAY'S NEWS.
I'm not f**king kidding. Don't comment. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS FOREIGN POLICY ESTABLISHMENT. I would rather have 40 analysts that are serious, talk realistically, and not f**king morally bankrupt than 80 that are f**king myopic. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't take a position I'm non-partisan", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't f**king comment unless you're going to stop being a fence sitter on a morally imperative issue. Seriously.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but hundreds of innocent people have been murdered in Syria in the past few days and no one seems to care enough to do anything."