Wednesday, April 1, 2015

BREAKING: Netanyahu To Form Coalition With Republican Party

Speaking to reporters in Jerusalem today (April 1st), Israeli Prime Minister Benyamin Netanyahu confirmed that the Likud would form a coalition government in the Knesset with the Republican Party.

"The Republicans have been a longstanding friend of the Likud and our values often overlap," explained the Prime Minister. The Likud's 30 seats plus the Republican Party's 54 seats in the Senate would put the coalition well over the 61-seat majority needed to govern the Knesset, Israel's parliament.

"This alignment will be a breath of fresh air for the Republican Party," declared GOP chairman Reince Preibus. "Israelis' love of privatization and disdain for the socialist welfare state make us a natural fit." Other Republican leaders were excited as well. "I'm so happy I could cry," said House Speaker John Boehner - who then proceeded to cry. "Finally I will be around arsim who have more obvious fake tans than I do."

Some in the Knesset have objected to the deal on the grounds that the Republican Party is an American rather than an Israeli party, but Netanyahu scoffed at the claims noting, "What then? We should form a coalition with droves of Arabs?"

Some American policymakers supported the deal. Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said, via private email, "I think the idea is a wonderful way of deepening the ties with our close ally Israel. Perhaps a good choice of Interior Minister would be Ted Cruz. Or Jeb Bush." 

Others expressed concern the coalition could have implications for an Iran nuclear deal in its final stages. "You think Iran fears an Israeli strike now, just wait until John Bolton is their Defense Minister," remarked Secretary of State John Kerry from Lausanne, Switzerland. For his part, Iranian chief negotiator Mohamad Zarif expressed concern. "We have many questions about this Zionist coalition. For example, do some of them really not believe in evolution? Like really? I mean come on, seriously?"

For now, the deal must be approved by Israeli President Reuven Rivlin. The American President, Barack Obama, has reportedly refused to meet with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell citing protocol, and has called Rand Paul's curly hair "an obstacle to peace."

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